Upward Spiral.

I hit rock bottom. I ran less, weighed more, and I thought I was happy with the way I was, until I realised I wasn't, at which point, I knew it needed to change.

It started with my nails. I thought "I'll just get my nails done. To cheer myself up". And it did. It made me smile, and people commented on how nice they looked. And so I tried making myself a new top. And I had to make it in a size 20.

TWENTY. Something snapped inside me. The biggest I'd made myself before was a size 16. Enough was enough.

So on January 12th this year, I walked in through the doors of my local Slimming World group, weighing in at my heaviest ever - including when I was pregnant. I had no idea what it involved, or what to expect.

Over the past 17 weeks, I have lost a total of 2 stone 4.5lb (32.5lb for those who don't measure in stones), and lost 2 dress sizes in the process. I have 1 stone 2 lb (16lb) to go until I hit my target weight.

I have lost the equivalent bodyweight of my three year old daughter. I hope to lose that of my six year old son.

Now I'm not effectively giving my smallest a piggyback everywhere, I have strapped on my trainers and I am running again. And I'm enjoying it.

In fact, I am enjoying it so much, I entered the ballot for the London Marathon in 2016. Then I thought about how long those odds are, and decided that I have to start training now. If I train from now until October I'll be totally hacked off if I've got no marathon to go to. All dressed up and the party gets cancelled.

So in a fit of pique I applied for a Golden Bond place for the charity Action On Hearing Loss (formerly the RNID). And 9 hours later they called me up and said that they want me to join their team. I cried when I found out. I had sort of semi-resigned myself to not ever being able to do run the London Marathon, but now I really can, and I have every opportunity to do it this year.

So it looks very much like I will be running the London Marathon 2016 for charity.

And I'm excited, and I'm scared, and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to raise £2000. I know NOTHING about marathons. I am doing a couch to 5k programme at the moment, and I just completed W3D3. Best thing is, I feel like I could run twice that. I've just been out running and it honestly feels like I could do it all again and not be tired or too out of breath.

I am doing something I have said I want to do since I was 18. I didn't realise I had a bucket list until now.

So, if you want to come on this journey with me, I'd love the company!

And if you want to lob any money in my direction, I know a charity who'd really benefit from it.

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/Run-Rachel-Run

Let's go! x

Miles run: 2.41
Minutes run: 33.06

Pause...

Yes. Someone hit the pause button.

I have been unwell with some sort of cough/cold/norovirus/lung infection since October.

Yes, that's a quarter of a YEAR.

I have been tested for whooping cough (negative)
TB (negative)

I've had a chest X-Ray (all normal)
I've had 3 courses of antibiotics, and a dose of steroids.

I'm on my third sort of inhaler.

I'm seriously pissed off.

I just. want. to get. better.

Being able to breathe normally isn't too much to ask, is it?

So the running which was going well, has stopped since October. I'm feeling much better but I'm still not right.

Hope to get back to it soon. I feel fatter than ever. I hate it.

Ugh.

Hope to update more soon.

I actually did it.

Km run: 3.08
Minutes run: about 30.

I actually did it. I actually signed up to an actual gym. And I ran. 1 km on Wednesday, and then did some weights. And today, I realised I had about 2 hours spare this morning- called the gym, booked a crèche place, and just went. I ran 1.08km on the treadmill, then 0.5km on the cross trainer, and then 0.5km on the treadmill to cool down. Plus other stuff in between.

I actually enjoyed it. This is weird for me- I think it's because I can actually see things being good for me- every other time I've embarked upon any form of exercise, I've not really had a clear goal. This time it's different. I have several.

1. To be healthier. I live a reasonably sedentary lifestyle, and this needs to change. I don't do things because I'll get out of breath/too tired. I only get that way because I stopped doing them in the first place!

2. To stop my knees hurting. When I was 17/18 I had 2 lots of major knee surgery- every time I bent my leg my kneecap dislocated. It hurt. They fixed it by moving the tendon that holds your kneecap in place across the front of your knee quite a few mm, and then screwing it back into place. I had months and months of physio. They discharged me saying "make sure you never get unfit or it'll start hurting again!" Yup. I went and did exactly that.

3. To change my shape. If I look in the mirror side on, I look about 5 or 6 months pregnant. I hate it. I feel fat, frumpy and unattractive. This is not how I normally am, and it needs to change.

4. To lose weight. While not essential, it would be nice. I am about 13 stone 10lb right now. I think I was about 10.5 stone on my wedding day. I'd like to get to 11.5 stone, and then see where I go from there.

5. To get back into half the clothes in my wardrobe. I'm too fat for them.

So, here I am. This is the beginning of my journey. Wish me luck.

It's been a while...

Miles run: 0.124
Minutes run: 0.45

Yes. I did it. I ran in the Mums' race at my son's preschool. I came 3rd.

This isn't bad, considering I was barefoot, and I haven't so much as run for a bus in the past 4 years.

Then a month later, I ran in the mums' race at my daughter's toddler group summer fete. I won.

Smug smuggity smugsmugsmug. Yes, that's me. Basking in the glory of running 200m. I even got a medal.

So yes, here I am again. 2 years down the line, I am now a Mum of two.

I am a little older
I am a little wiser
I am certainly more frazzled than I was last time I posted
I am much less anxious
I am no longer on anti-depressants
I can go shopping in town without having a panic attack - yeah!
I had a lot of dark times when I started this blog
I have had a lot of good times during my silence
I want to run my way back into smaller jeans as I am now even heavier than I was!
I am actually going to do it this time.
I am about to sign up to a gym so I can run in all weathers...

...but not before I go on holiday for a week in St Ives!

Procrastination: win!

Miles run: 0
Minutes run: 0

Still no running. Life has sort of got in the way a bit.

I am now mainly sewing, making jewellery and tidying up after the ever more talkative toddler.

I have always been a master of procrastination, a genius at finding excuses and justifications, and I've always been brilliant at getting everything done well beyond the date it was supposed to happen.

Oh dear.

At least I'm staying true to form, eh?

The road to hell...

Minutes run: 0
Miles run: 0

...Is paved with good intentions.

I still haven't run anywhere yet. Well, short of running after the toddler to stop him maiming himself, or running into the road, or terrorising the dog.

I almost ran somewhere - I got dressed up in my running gear- trainers on, headphones just going in... then the childminder rang me and said the todler had a fever, and could I go and pick him up. So I picked up my car keys instead and went to pick him up.

What is it that's holding me back? What is it that is stopping me from just putting my trainers on and going for it?

I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of pain. I'm scared of not being brilliant at something that I used to be very good at. I'm scared of letting myself down. I'm scared of letting everyone else down.

I am lazy. I don't like shaving my legs so I'm not mistaken for an escaped gorilla whilst out running.

I need to stop being so scared, and stop being so lazy, and Just Fucking Do It.

Mrs Cellophane

...Shoulda been my name.

Just a pondering.

I really feel throughout my professional life that nobody gives a shit about me.

I worked in a recruitment consultancy business after I graduated. I was swindled out of a load of commission by someone who later was promoted to being the branch manager. I left.

I then went to the public sector. I was ok for a while, but then the person I shared an office with went on Maternity Leave and I was left, stuck in a room on my own. For a year. I am a social creature, and thrive on human company... and this bit of the public sector was a Careers Service so is supposed to know about Psychometric testing. I left because nobody gave a shit.

I went to a marketing environment, where they just didn't "get" my skillset, and I left after 6 months. This really caused me to doubt myself, but I found out about 2 years later that I had inherited a poisoned chalice, and there had been a further 4 people in the role since I left. Ho hum.

Then I went into retail. I started as a trainee manager, then I was a Concession Manager, then an Acting Assistant Manager. Then I went on Maternity leave.

No leaving do. No cakes. No gift. Not even a card. I worked my fucking arse off, and I got nothing back in terms of recognition or acknowledgement.

I went back after Mat leave - and nobody gave a shit enough to call me and say "hi" on my first day back. No handover note from the outgoing manager. Nothing. No area manager.

They then cut the branch hours down to such an extent that although I was supposed to be a manager, I never saw any of the people I was supposed to be managing. 6 hours, 3 times a week, on my own. Lovely!

I am sick of being undervalued. Sick of it. But it's become a self-perpetuating cycle. The more I am undervalued, the less I value myself. The more I am sidelined. It's horrible that my entire self-worth depends on what other people think of me.

Through being depressed, I don't go out any more. Circles of friends have stopped inviting me. I've been culled by my best mate.

I am sick of being overlooked. By my Mum (yes, she has a favourite. It isn't me.), by my colleagues, my managers at work... But the two people who don't undervalue me are my husband and my son. Yes, I am the worst Mum in the world when I am wiping my son's face, or trying to get him to sleep in his own cot... but when he's upset or hurt, the quickest thing to make him better is a cuddle from me.

(And I know he'll read this), Dearest husband, whenever you overlook an anniversary, or a birthday, or a religious festival, or are late home, or feel the need to apologise for being yourself, or feel the need to apologise for not being yourself, or when you don't unroll your shirt sleeves before putting them in the wash, or you leave your socks rolled into a ball in the washing basket, or you sleep in a bit longer than you thought you would... don't feel guilty, just stick another I.O.U. in the eternity ring piggy bank. First silly bonus you get is to feed my magpie habit. ;-)

Oh, and I might have a few people say to me that they love me, and that I should not listen to all of the bad stuff I think is true about me - if 99 people tell you that you look fabulous, and one person says you look fucking ugly, whose words are going to be ringing in your ears for the rest of the night? Same here, only it's not words, it's actions, and I'm too much of a doormat to say anything.

If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.

Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.